You "Do Broadband"...we "Do Nothing"

For the past several weeks Telkom has been running ads on TV and radio extolling their heroic efforts in taking the FIFA World Cup into millions of homes around the world. Fine. But...in one of these ads they claim a capability of 40 gigs a second! So the question is, where is Telkom's uncapped bandwidth option? So far it's failed to materialize.

We are not stoopid. We know full well that FIFA made damn sure the WC was going to run as smoothly as possible, hence the massive bandwidth capability put in place for the event. Does this capability still exist? No-one is saying.

In one of the radio ads we hear the stentorious voice intone "...and if we can do that for FIFA, imagine what we can do for your business". Well...I'm still waiting...just what can you do for my business, Telkom?

Hey, it's NOT funny, guys.

A couple of posts ago I bemoaned a radio commercial where the patronizing protagonist laughed at his own inane humour.

Now there's another in the same vein polluting the airwaves, this time from Speed Services Courier and extolling the virtues of their Counter-to-Counter service. In this one a group of guys is, presumably, sitting around and discussing the "C-to-C" service..."Oh, you mean Atlantic to Indian?" asks one dumbo. "No" replies someone else, "that would be ocean-to-ocean." This continues for a few seconds, wasting valuable "benefit time", until a quick announcer-type character gets a few miserable seconds to squeeze in a benefit or two. Not too much of that though, we don't want to spoil the flow of the "idea" now, do we? To which I would ask, "what idea?" Well, wait for it...here it comes (drum roll, please, maestro).

The "funny man" of the group now chirps up: "C-to-C. I wonder if they do china-to-china!!!?" I don't usually make use of exclamation marks to this extent, but I've used them here to illustrate the point. The "joker", and, by extension, the copywriter, thinks this is the funniest joke he's ever cracked - and maybe it is, poor fellow - and makes sure we all think so by laughing hysterically at his own "joke". Hey dude, IT'S JUST NOT FUNNY!

Point is, if you want someone to change their behaviour, in this case switch to another courier company, you'd better give them a pretty darn good reason for doing so, not try and win them with stupid, inane attempts at humour. Very few copywriters can write good humour. If you can't, your best solution is just to stick to the facts. You may think the facts are boring, but to someone looking to switch couriers, for instance, the facts may be diabolically interesting. Oh sorry, I forgot, you never researched the facts beyond what the bare-bones brief said. Shame on you.

MWEB Turns Blue When it Should be Turning Pink - With Embarrassment

Surely the most awful looking commercial to crack TV screens across the country in a long while. That's the new commercial for MWEB's uncapped ADSL offering. No doubt the casting session was a laugh-a-minute and whoever thought of having a fat, obnoxious blue-painted, horn-wearing couch potato (the sports-mads alter-ego of the main character) bemoaning his fate as his Internet coverage dies from lack of bandwith must have thought it was a stroke of genius. But the dialogue makes me feel like putting on a Leornard Cohen record to cheer me up. And of course, as we all know, skin of that hue indicates a serious lack of oxygen - and, sadly, oxygen is something this commercial lacks, too.

The Bosch Are Coming! And they're bringing bad ads with them...

I remember as a kid reading comic books about WWII in which the Germans were often referred to as "the Bosch". If the Germans were on the offensive, the allies, usually in the form of a beleaguered British squad, would call our attention to this piece of dangerous news by shouting "The Bosch are coming!"

Well, the Bosch have been here for quite some time and now they're adding some pretty irritating advertising to their arsenal of powerful weapons designed to force our immediate surrender.

I'm talking about the highly annoying little commercial from a major retailer for Bosch dishwashers currently airing on TV stations nationwide, for which at least some of the money, if not all, has come from the appliance manufacturer or distributor itself.

We see two women talking to each other in an undisclosed location. It can't be a home, because the setting just isn't right, but I think we are meant to suspend belief for a moment here. "I see you've bought a dishwasher," says the first one.

Some inanities follow until, and this is the part I cannot understand, a clipboard-wielding man, who has been lurking in the background until now (is he casing the joint?) springs into action to give us the low down on the deal.

Okay. They're clearly not in the woman's home. Women, at least those I know, are not in the habit of keeping snappy-dressing young salesmen in their homes just waiting for the correct offer to come along.

So maybe they're in the store. Can't be. Because the closing line - a hoary old chestnut - has one of the women say something like "I'm off to buy a Bosch, myself," as the pair head off for another round of extreme shopping. Now why, if she's already in the store, would she be "off" to buy herself an appliance?

So where are these woman? Beats me. I don't think the writer knows, either.

It's "let's laugh at our own weak jokes"week on radio.

Hall, the real estate company, after the ludicrous and unbelievable (in the sense of not believable) bell-ringing radio ads, now decide to try a knock-knock joke. "Okay, Nomali, are you ready?" See, we might not get this joke, stoopid people that we are, so thankfully they'll set it up for us.

Nomali affirms her state of readiness. Okay. We're ready, too.

Nomali: Knock Knock
Idiot: Who's there?
Nomali: Nomali
Idiot: Nomali who?
Nomali: Nomali selling your home can be really difficult
Idiot: [Childish snicker]

Apart from the patronizing tone of the ad, it's the pathetic snicker after the punchline that really gets my goat. I mean, are you so scared no-one will "get it" that you have to highlight the "punchline" by chucking in your own little laugh. Here's some news for you: people will decide on their own what's funny and what isn't. Mostly, though, we don't like people who laugh at their own jokes.

But even worse is the insurance company (I can't remember which one offhand - or is it a bank?) that thinks it's ads are so funny they've even added canned laughter. The "laughter" emanates from a supposedly live audience watching a stand-up "comedy" routine.

Let me tell you, if a real comedian did these "jokes" in front of a live audience he wouldn't be on stage as long as a 30-second commercial. Not sure what the connection with the product is either. Maybe it's that "finding the right insurance company is no joke" (then again, nor are the ads), or possibly "when it comes to insurance we're stand-up kinda guys".

Either way a dismal attempt.

Apex Awards, or How to Make Fudge

The creative. It's all about the creative, isn't it. Even when it's all about the results it's still all about the creative. At least that's what the Apex Awards judges would have us believe. I attended the show at Vodaworld on Thursday, 21, May. A good time was had by all. But I do have a few gripes about some of the winners.

For instance, the KFC milkshake ad that won something or other in one of the three categories. It's hard to remember exactly what because the disk that came with the handout pack at the end of the evening only has last year's case studies on it. Anyway, here's the deal; we were told their controversial "milkshake" ad, (you know, the one where the little girl lies and cries to get her hands on the little boy's milkshake), increased sales of the product (milkshakes) by a whopping 200%! Gadzooks! 200%. That's pretty effective, right?

Normally it would be. But if you've never sold the product before you only have to sell two of them to increase sales by any amount you care to name. Off course, effective is not just about sales, it's about profit. Unless you know how much was spent to produce and flight an ad, and how much was raked in over and above that amount in profit, you don't really know how effective the ad is.

So it's pretty easy to fudge the numbers.

Stuck for an idea? Just rip-off someone else's.

This morning on the radio I heard a commercial that I thought would be for Kulula airlines. It started off the same way the Kulula spots do, with a typically South African voice explaining in rhyme why they are such a special person. These spots are usually beautifully written and always good for a laugh - even if they don't particularly make me want to pick up the phone and book a seat - and I never complain if someone wants to pay a small fortune to entertain me for 30 seconds.

So, imagine my surprise when it turns out the spot's not for the jokey airline at all, but for a software company...an accounting software company! The ad attempts to sell VIP Payroll Software.

Maybe it's because accountants aren't generally regarded as the most creative kids in the office that the agency decided to rip off someone else's idea instead coming up with something original.

The thing is, when Kulula do it, it's funny. When VIP Payroll do it, it's embarrassing.

No doubt some bright spark in the agency thought that it's time to change the image of the accountant from dull, grey, bean counter to scintillating, bon vivant comedian. Instead, they've entrenched the perception of accountants as unoriginal and boring.