The Bosch Are Coming! And they're bringing bad ads with them...

I remember as a kid reading comic books about WWII in which the Germans were often referred to as "the Bosch". If the Germans were on the offensive, the allies, usually in the form of a beleaguered British squad, would call our attention to this piece of dangerous news by shouting "The Bosch are coming!"

Well, the Bosch have been here for quite some time and now they're adding some pretty irritating advertising to their arsenal of powerful weapons designed to force our immediate surrender.

I'm talking about the highly annoying little commercial from a major retailer for Bosch dishwashers currently airing on TV stations nationwide, for which at least some of the money, if not all, has come from the appliance manufacturer or distributor itself.

We see two women talking to each other in an undisclosed location. It can't be a home, because the setting just isn't right, but I think we are meant to suspend belief for a moment here. "I see you've bought a dishwasher," says the first one.

Some inanities follow until, and this is the part I cannot understand, a clipboard-wielding man, who has been lurking in the background until now (is he casing the joint?) springs into action to give us the low down on the deal.

Okay. They're clearly not in the woman's home. Women, at least those I know, are not in the habit of keeping snappy-dressing young salesmen in their homes just waiting for the correct offer to come along.

So maybe they're in the store. Can't be. Because the closing line - a hoary old chestnut - has one of the women say something like "I'm off to buy a Bosch, myself," as the pair head off for another round of extreme shopping. Now why, if she's already in the store, would she be "off" to buy herself an appliance?

So where are these woman? Beats me. I don't think the writer knows, either.

It's "let's laugh at our own weak jokes"week on radio.

Hall, the real estate company, after the ludicrous and unbelievable (in the sense of not believable) bell-ringing radio ads, now decide to try a knock-knock joke. "Okay, Nomali, are you ready?" See, we might not get this joke, stoopid people that we are, so thankfully they'll set it up for us.

Nomali affirms her state of readiness. Okay. We're ready, too.

Nomali: Knock Knock
Idiot: Who's there?
Nomali: Nomali
Idiot: Nomali who?
Nomali: Nomali selling your home can be really difficult
Idiot: [Childish snicker]

Apart from the patronizing tone of the ad, it's the pathetic snicker after the punchline that really gets my goat. I mean, are you so scared no-one will "get it" that you have to highlight the "punchline" by chucking in your own little laugh. Here's some news for you: people will decide on their own what's funny and what isn't. Mostly, though, we don't like people who laugh at their own jokes.

But even worse is the insurance company (I can't remember which one offhand - or is it a bank?) that thinks it's ads are so funny they've even added canned laughter. The "laughter" emanates from a supposedly live audience watching a stand-up "comedy" routine.

Let me tell you, if a real comedian did these "jokes" in front of a live audience he wouldn't be on stage as long as a 30-second commercial. Not sure what the connection with the product is either. Maybe it's that "finding the right insurance company is no joke" (then again, nor are the ads), or possibly "when it comes to insurance we're stand-up kinda guys".

Either way a dismal attempt.

Apex Awards, or How to Make Fudge

The creative. It's all about the creative, isn't it. Even when it's all about the results it's still all about the creative. At least that's what the Apex Awards judges would have us believe. I attended the show at Vodaworld on Thursday, 21, May. A good time was had by all. But I do have a few gripes about some of the winners.

For instance, the KFC milkshake ad that won something or other in one of the three categories. It's hard to remember exactly what because the disk that came with the handout pack at the end of the evening only has last year's case studies on it. Anyway, here's the deal; we were told their controversial "milkshake" ad, (you know, the one where the little girl lies and cries to get her hands on the little boy's milkshake), increased sales of the product (milkshakes) by a whopping 200%! Gadzooks! 200%. That's pretty effective, right?

Normally it would be. But if you've never sold the product before you only have to sell two of them to increase sales by any amount you care to name. Off course, effective is not just about sales, it's about profit. Unless you know how much was spent to produce and flight an ad, and how much was raked in over and above that amount in profit, you don't really know how effective the ad is.

So it's pretty easy to fudge the numbers.

Stuck for an idea? Just rip-off someone else's.

This morning on the radio I heard a commercial that I thought would be for Kulula airlines. It started off the same way the Kulula spots do, with a typically South African voice explaining in rhyme why they are such a special person. These spots are usually beautifully written and always good for a laugh - even if they don't particularly make me want to pick up the phone and book a seat - and I never complain if someone wants to pay a small fortune to entertain me for 30 seconds.

So, imagine my surprise when it turns out the spot's not for the jokey airline at all, but for a software company...an accounting software company! The ad attempts to sell VIP Payroll Software.

Maybe it's because accountants aren't generally regarded as the most creative kids in the office that the agency decided to rip off someone else's idea instead coming up with something original.

The thing is, when Kulula do it, it's funny. When VIP Payroll do it, it's embarrassing.

No doubt some bright spark in the agency thought that it's time to change the image of the accountant from dull, grey, bean counter to scintillating, bon vivant comedian. Instead, they've entrenched the perception of accountants as unoriginal and boring.

More drivel polluting the airwaves

I'm not sure why, but radio seems to be uppermost in my mind recently. Perhaps it's because I'm hearing so many ads, but so few voices.

It's not any one ad specifically, but a sort of genre, let's call it the "I'm a small business owner and I'm just like you..." style of advertising.

Sometimes the voices are supposed to be speaking "local", that is, pukka S'effricun, but they just don't crack it. We just know these are pro voices, and because we know, a bit of believability goes down the drain.

Fleet Steel springs to mind. Not only a naff script, but not great acting, either. Worse, today I heard one for Outsurance. This company was running some quite good testimonial ads recently. Clearly however they are battling to get business owners to extol their virtue as they've now reverted to carefully scripted and obviously acted spots.

The one I heard today revolves around a woman who owns a nail bar and whose greatest sense of achievement comes when she creates a perfect French nail. Outsurance then tell us that they are as passionate about insurance as you are about your business.

Poppycock.

Outsurance used to have a real point of difference but as they days go by they are beginning to sound like everyone else.

Their recent TV ad stretches credulity to breaking point as a family, depressed by the current state of the world (demonstrated by newspaper headlines on street poles) is suddenly cheered up by the sight of an Outsurance billboard advertising that one in every two Outsurance clients is happy with their insurance rates.

One in every two? That's only 50%. I don't know about you, but I don't find much to cheer about in that statistic. It doesn't say much about their premiums, that's for sure.

Instead of trying to foist dull advertising on us, Outsurance should be trying to come up with great, innovative products. Then great advertising would follow.

Nonsense from Nedbank

Another spot I heard today from Nedbank touts their business credit card. The bank claims that they really do understand your business needs and their card reflects this understanding. How? By giving you 55 days free credit.

In other words, it's the same as any other credit card. What's so special about that? Nothing. It's just more meaningless puffery.

If they really did understand business, especially small/medium business maybe they'd offer 90 or 120 days free credit. THAT would be something.

Saving Electricity...Really?

An ad currently running on radio urges us to explore ways to reduce our electricity consumption.

Nothing new there, except the voice in this one tells us that no electricity was used in the making of the ad - it was recorded on a cellphone.

No electricity, huh? Okay, so how was the cell phone recharged?

A CAR FOR DICKHEADS

According to a frequently flighted radio commercial here's where you should buy your next car:

Auto-al penis-rings BMW.

A very strange name for a business.

Didn't anyone listen to this commercial in the recording studio and ask if this is, indeed, the way the client wants to be known? Can't the client hear how stoopid this sounds?

Wouldn't it be better to say: "Auto Alpina BMW, Springs"? After all, most people would be more inclined to look for penis rings at their friendly neighbourhood sex shop. Why confuse 'em?